Here I am, sitting in a virtually empty office while all of the other employees here take advantage of their vacation pay and (presumably) spend their Christmas bonus money. It's really hard for me, in this scenario, not to feel negative about my situation. Unceremoniously dumped by a company in which I invested more than 10 years of my time and hard work earlier this year, I'm now an independent contractor which means that I work for myself, and I can't afford to give myself holiday pay or a Christmas bonus because I'm now working for about 15 percent of my previous salary.
When I was interviewed for this contract, I was assured that it was a "right to hire" and that the initial contract period was merely a formality to ensure that I am what my resume says I am. I was told that I'd be hired full time before Christmas. Instead, they extended my contract (to avoid paying me benefits) and then promptly (and without ever actually notifying me) gave me a promotion (after I agreed to continue at the same rate).
Those same people are all on vacation this week, taking full advantage of their perks and benefits. Those same people mandated that anyone who can't take the time off has to show up in the office this week so that the team can "have a presence". Who are they worried about impressing I have no idea, the only people in the entire building this week are peons and independent contractors - all of the executives are currently in their second week of sunning themseves in Wakiki.
To top it all off, all 6 of my bosses have been on vacation since before last week, and they didn't leave us enough work to last us 2 days. So all I have to do all week (and it's an abbreviated week - the company gave its employees Friday off as a gift, which means that I can't work and will have to lose another day's pay without any choice in the matter) is sit here and feel disgruntled about my position.
There's got to be a better way. I refuse to do this until retirement. I poured my life into my last job, thinking that it would pay off, underestimating man's constant and dependable tendancy to screw over everyone else at the first possible chance. I won't do that again. The next project I invest myself in will be for me, and it's going to be the one that I sell to Microsoft or Google and retire off of.
And while that means that I'll find myself on the same Wakiki beaches as the executives who today I loathe, I'll happily watch them sipping their fruity drinks, knowing that the woman sunning herself next to me in her white bikini is so much hotter and wonderful than their washed up resentful old housewives, and that they may have two weeks off from the ratrace but I found a way to leave it all behind me.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Attention
It has come to my attention that either I am a huge asshole, or everyone else in the world is. That is all.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Traffic Czar
The newly-elected President has been busy filling top cabinet positions the past few weeks, and reading about this in the news got me to thinking that there should be a new post created to go along with them: Traffic Czar. Obviously I nominate myself for the position. If confirmed, I would institute the following Federal regulations regarding driving on the roads of this fine country:
1) Speed limits will be renamed to Speed Guidelines, and enforced as follows:
- A new driver's license endorsement will be issued to qualified drivers based on their driving abilities and the capabilities of the vehicles that they are driving. Drivers that can prove in a driving test that they can control their vehicle at high speeds and what for other drivers might be considered unsafe conditions would be given "Limit Free" licenses, allowing them to drive at any speed they desired on any road. Having a single speed limit for all drivers regardless of ability is like levelling a fixed tax amount on everyone regardless of their income. Blue hairs and soccer moms that can't handle speed don't drive the speed limit anyway, so why should I be restricted as long as I can handle my vehicle and it is built for performance? Carriers of "Limit Free" licenses would not be given tickets for exceeding posted speed guidelines, although they are still subject to being stopped and audited to ensure that they are following all other requirements of the law. This endorsement will be null and void in inclement weather conditions.
- Failure to pull over and let faster drivers pass would result in a fine. People who drive slowly shouldn't have to drive faster just because I want to, but I shouldn't have to drive 25 miles an hour. Ever. If you drive like my mom then clearly you aren't all that interested in getting to your destination in a timely manner, so pulling over for 3 seconds to let me go about my business isn't going to hold you back in any significant way.
2) Anyone with a DVD player or giant GPS screen mounted on their dashboard will be required to mount a screen blocker in their back window so that anyone following them at night won't end up transfixed on the bright and sparkly colors shining from the middle of an otherwise darkened vehicle. It's downright dangerous to distract attention from brake lights, and the brightness of these screens affects depth perception when judging distance. And what the hell are you doing in there anyway, it's a car, not a goddamn living room.
3) A new driver's license endorsement will be issued to qualified drivers who can prove in a driving test that they can a) successfully merge onto a highway, b) consistenly navigate at highway speeds, and c) are aware enough to facilitate merging traffic when travelling in the right lane of a highway. This one is for you, stupid silver SUV that honked at me because I dared try to merge in front of them in the highway this morning on my way to work. Without such an endorsement, drivers will not be allowed on the country's highways.
4) Minimum speed limits will be posted and enforced on highway entrance ramps. Douchebags trying to merge onto highway traffic while travelling 40 MPH will be pulled over and summarily shot. Or fined, I guess, depending on the popularity of this particular law.
5) All traffic laws will be lifted in rush hour conditions. Cops that pull over people in heavy traffic thereby creating aggravated rubbernecking siituations are part of the problem, not the solution.
6) Rubberneckers will have their licenses revoked. Rent "Faces of Death" if you want to see carnage, otherwise keep driving with your eyes on the road, asshole.
7) Motorcycles and scooters will be absolved of all parking regulations and fees. All parking garages will be required to admit cycles and will be forced to charge no more than half the cost of parking a car, since cycles take up half the space. Take that, Hartford Parking Authority.
8) Seatbelt and cell phone laws will all be revoked, re: Darwin.
1) Speed limits will be renamed to Speed Guidelines, and enforced as follows:
- A new driver's license endorsement will be issued to qualified drivers based on their driving abilities and the capabilities of the vehicles that they are driving. Drivers that can prove in a driving test that they can control their vehicle at high speeds and what for other drivers might be considered unsafe conditions would be given "Limit Free" licenses, allowing them to drive at any speed they desired on any road. Having a single speed limit for all drivers regardless of ability is like levelling a fixed tax amount on everyone regardless of their income. Blue hairs and soccer moms that can't handle speed don't drive the speed limit anyway, so why should I be restricted as long as I can handle my vehicle and it is built for performance? Carriers of "Limit Free" licenses would not be given tickets for exceeding posted speed guidelines, although they are still subject to being stopped and audited to ensure that they are following all other requirements of the law. This endorsement will be null and void in inclement weather conditions.
- Failure to pull over and let faster drivers pass would result in a fine. People who drive slowly shouldn't have to drive faster just because I want to, but I shouldn't have to drive 25 miles an hour. Ever. If you drive like my mom then clearly you aren't all that interested in getting to your destination in a timely manner, so pulling over for 3 seconds to let me go about my business isn't going to hold you back in any significant way.
2) Anyone with a DVD player or giant GPS screen mounted on their dashboard will be required to mount a screen blocker in their back window so that anyone following them at night won't end up transfixed on the bright and sparkly colors shining from the middle of an otherwise darkened vehicle. It's downright dangerous to distract attention from brake lights, and the brightness of these screens affects depth perception when judging distance. And what the hell are you doing in there anyway, it's a car, not a goddamn living room.
3) A new driver's license endorsement will be issued to qualified drivers who can prove in a driving test that they can a) successfully merge onto a highway, b) consistenly navigate at highway speeds, and c) are aware enough to facilitate merging traffic when travelling in the right lane of a highway. This one is for you, stupid silver SUV that honked at me because I dared try to merge in front of them in the highway this morning on my way to work. Without such an endorsement, drivers will not be allowed on the country's highways.
4) Minimum speed limits will be posted and enforced on highway entrance ramps. Douchebags trying to merge onto highway traffic while travelling 40 MPH will be pulled over and summarily shot. Or fined, I guess, depending on the popularity of this particular law.
5) All traffic laws will be lifted in rush hour conditions. Cops that pull over people in heavy traffic thereby creating aggravated rubbernecking siituations are part of the problem, not the solution.
6) Rubberneckers will have their licenses revoked. Rent "Faces of Death" if you want to see carnage, otherwise keep driving with your eyes on the road, asshole.
7) Motorcycles and scooters will be absolved of all parking regulations and fees. All parking garages will be required to admit cycles and will be forced to charge no more than half the cost of parking a car, since cycles take up half the space. Take that, Hartford Parking Authority.
8) Seatbelt and cell phone laws will all be revoked, re: Darwin.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Spilt Milk
I'm sorry, is my friendship inconveniencing you? Is my mere presence in your little corner of the world a constant reminder to you that you have no loyalty, or gratitude for everything I ever did for you? That you are too scared to stand up for what is right, too scared to live your life, too scared to acknowledge right and wrong?
You're the one who supported them as they twisted the knife in my back. Then you helped them clean up the blood spatter after, testifying that they couldn't have done what they did because they were with you. But I was still there for you.
You went back on every promise we ever made to each other, our oath to stick together through thick and through thin, but I upheld my end of the bargain. I fought for you, sacrificed for you, and defended you every chance I got. That's what friends are for.
And now you avoid me and have nothing substantial to say to me, pretending that nothing has changed and nothing is wrong. But I know the truth, I can see it in your eyes. I was your friend, after all, I know when things are bothering you.
It would have hurt less if you had owned your choices, if you had come right out and said that you were choosing cowardice over our friendship. At least then I could have respected you.
I guess it's hard for you. I guess that everything about me is a reminder that you are still miking the cow that I hand-fed and raised. That you are being paid, and paid well, to turn your back on me, to forget what you promised me you would do if this ever happened. You know I would have been true to you if the tables were turned, and maybe that makes it even harder that you weren't.
I'm sorry you have to go through that, and I'm sorry that I served as a weekly reminder of such distasteful things.
I hope you continue to ride the wave, and that you never have to know the destitution and alone-ness that I felt when I was tossed out on the street like yesterday's trash, looking up at those people that I thought were my friends, as you stood behind my enemy and kept silent.
I don't want a reminder of that any more than you do. So enjoy your milk.
You're the one who supported them as they twisted the knife in my back. Then you helped them clean up the blood spatter after, testifying that they couldn't have done what they did because they were with you. But I was still there for you.
You went back on every promise we ever made to each other, our oath to stick together through thick and through thin, but I upheld my end of the bargain. I fought for you, sacrificed for you, and defended you every chance I got. That's what friends are for.
And now you avoid me and have nothing substantial to say to me, pretending that nothing has changed and nothing is wrong. But I know the truth, I can see it in your eyes. I was your friend, after all, I know when things are bothering you.
It would have hurt less if you had owned your choices, if you had come right out and said that you were choosing cowardice over our friendship. At least then I could have respected you.
I guess it's hard for you. I guess that everything about me is a reminder that you are still miking the cow that I hand-fed and raised. That you are being paid, and paid well, to turn your back on me, to forget what you promised me you would do if this ever happened. You know I would have been true to you if the tables were turned, and maybe that makes it even harder that you weren't.
I'm sorry you have to go through that, and I'm sorry that I served as a weekly reminder of such distasteful things.
I hope you continue to ride the wave, and that you never have to know the destitution and alone-ness that I felt when I was tossed out on the street like yesterday's trash, looking up at those people that I thought were my friends, as you stood behind my enemy and kept silent.
I don't want a reminder of that any more than you do. So enjoy your milk.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Bah
People who say "Bah" instead of "Bye" when they get off the phone with someone should be strung up by their balls and subjected to Chinese water torture using the blood of small rodents.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
I fought The Law...
For those of you that don't yet know, I recently bought a piece of crap Pontiac Grand Am solely for the purpose of commuting to and from work in the winter. Apart from the pool of water in the trunk that pours out into the interior of the car and all over my feet, and a driver door window that won't open, the driver seatbelt clip is ripped off which makes it a real pain in the ass to buckle up when I get in the car. Combine that little problem with the fact that I have to wear 17 layers of clothes these days just to keep warm (making it difficult to put my arms down), and attaching my seatbelt in the morning is like strapping into a carnival ride, only without the toothless hillbilly in a torn red bandana to help.
But every morning after swearing a bit and (literally) splashing around trying to get myself into position to properly intercourse the two pieces of metal, I succeed and drive up the driveway to work, an errant belt screeching protest under the hood. This morning was no exception.
My ride takes me through two neighborhoods that I wouldn't otherwise have any reason to visit, nor do I expect would I generally be all that welcome. These are, coincidentally, also the types of neighborhoods where the police get in the habit, apparently, of pulling people over for the lamest of reasons - maybe they are hoping (or expecting) that when the driver window rolls down a cloud of pot smoke will billow out or there will be a pile of AK-47's in the passenger seat and they can put one more hatchmark in the monthly quota of arrests column.
This morning I was stopped at a particularly vexingly long stop light, listening to the radio and pretending I was in a lawn chair on the beach in Tahiti with my woman instead of bundled into a leather coat, scarf, wool hat, and gloves breathing in exhaust fumes on my way to the widget factory with all of the other lemmings. A police car pulled up to the left of me (in the left turn lane) and stopped a few feet in front of my car. It was obvious that he saw something of interest and was stopping to get a closer look - he was about 20 feet from the car in front of him.
I looked around and there was a guy walking up the sidewalk next to my car. He saw the cop, turned around and looked behind him, and then ducked into a bus stop shelter. I figured that his day was about to get worse, that the cop was going to harass him somehow, and went back about my business of pretending I wasn't there. The left turn light went green, and I watched the cop pull up to the front of the line and then cut into my lane, almost causing an accident.
As the lemming line started pulling forward, he pulled into a gas station and then turned around to position himself to pull back out into the road. I thought he was turning around, and thought nothing of it as I drove past him. As I did, however, he pulled out behind me and turned on his lights. Not having done anything wrong I assumed he was just going to pass me, but instead he pulled up right behind me. I pulled over and started the long laborious process of rolling my window down, which, because the motor is almost shot always makes me worry that it won't go back up. It finally finished squeaking down as he came up to the car, hand on his gun.
I thought that was a little extreme, but given the neighborhood (I was headed into the ghetto, an area I flirt with on the way to and from work in order to avoid the rest of suburbia's commuters) I figured better safe than sorry. I stopped reaching into my pocket for my wallet and put my hands on my lap where he could see them.
"I pulled you over because of your seatbelt" he said authoritatively.
"This one?" I said, pulling it up off of my chest into view.
"Yeah, well, when I drove by your before you weren't wearing it."
"Uh, yeah, I was."
He got pissed. "WHAT did you say?"
"Sir, I've been wearing my seatbelt since I pulled out of my garage."
He relaxed visibly at this, as if the fact that I said I had been following the law from the get-go meant he was no longer in danger.
"Oh. OK. You're free to go." He said, waved his hand at the road, and then walked back to his car.
Now, here's the thing. I know that he's got a job to do. But enforcing the seatbelt law? Really? I always sort of thought that was the sort of thing where if you got pulled over for something else they would give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt if you happened to be stupid enough to leave it unbuckled. I never dreamed that people actually got pulled over for something like this. And certainly not with the cars full of pot smoke and automatic weapons driving around nearby.
Perhaps most ironic is the fact that he nearly caused an accident in front of me for the explicit purpose of pulling me over because I'm not wearing a seatbelt - which presumably he wants me to wear so that I don't get injured in an accident???
I'm thinking about painting the seatbelt in my Grand Slam bright orange so I don't get frivolously pulled over again, just in case I forget to put away the AK-47s in my front seat...
But every morning after swearing a bit and (literally) splashing around trying to get myself into position to properly intercourse the two pieces of metal, I succeed and drive up the driveway to work, an errant belt screeching protest under the hood. This morning was no exception.
My ride takes me through two neighborhoods that I wouldn't otherwise have any reason to visit, nor do I expect would I generally be all that welcome. These are, coincidentally, also the types of neighborhoods where the police get in the habit, apparently, of pulling people over for the lamest of reasons - maybe they are hoping (or expecting) that when the driver window rolls down a cloud of pot smoke will billow out or there will be a pile of AK-47's in the passenger seat and they can put one more hatchmark in the monthly quota of arrests column.
This morning I was stopped at a particularly vexingly long stop light, listening to the radio and pretending I was in a lawn chair on the beach in Tahiti with my woman instead of bundled into a leather coat, scarf, wool hat, and gloves breathing in exhaust fumes on my way to the widget factory with all of the other lemmings. A police car pulled up to the left of me (in the left turn lane) and stopped a few feet in front of my car. It was obvious that he saw something of interest and was stopping to get a closer look - he was about 20 feet from the car in front of him.
I looked around and there was a guy walking up the sidewalk next to my car. He saw the cop, turned around and looked behind him, and then ducked into a bus stop shelter. I figured that his day was about to get worse, that the cop was going to harass him somehow, and went back about my business of pretending I wasn't there. The left turn light went green, and I watched the cop pull up to the front of the line and then cut into my lane, almost causing an accident.
As the lemming line started pulling forward, he pulled into a gas station and then turned around to position himself to pull back out into the road. I thought he was turning around, and thought nothing of it as I drove past him. As I did, however, he pulled out behind me and turned on his lights. Not having done anything wrong I assumed he was just going to pass me, but instead he pulled up right behind me. I pulled over and started the long laborious process of rolling my window down, which, because the motor is almost shot always makes me worry that it won't go back up. It finally finished squeaking down as he came up to the car, hand on his gun.
I thought that was a little extreme, but given the neighborhood (I was headed into the ghetto, an area I flirt with on the way to and from work in order to avoid the rest of suburbia's commuters) I figured better safe than sorry. I stopped reaching into my pocket for my wallet and put my hands on my lap where he could see them.
"I pulled you over because of your seatbelt" he said authoritatively.
"This one?" I said, pulling it up off of my chest into view.
"Yeah, well, when I drove by your before you weren't wearing it."
"Uh, yeah, I was."
He got pissed. "WHAT did you say?"
"Sir, I've been wearing my seatbelt since I pulled out of my garage."
He relaxed visibly at this, as if the fact that I said I had been following the law from the get-go meant he was no longer in danger.
"Oh. OK. You're free to go." He said, waved his hand at the road, and then walked back to his car.
Now, here's the thing. I know that he's got a job to do. But enforcing the seatbelt law? Really? I always sort of thought that was the sort of thing where if you got pulled over for something else they would give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt if you happened to be stupid enough to leave it unbuckled. I never dreamed that people actually got pulled over for something like this. And certainly not with the cars full of pot smoke and automatic weapons driving around nearby.
Perhaps most ironic is the fact that he nearly caused an accident in front of me for the explicit purpose of pulling me over because I'm not wearing a seatbelt - which presumably he wants me to wear so that I don't get injured in an accident???
I'm thinking about painting the seatbelt in my Grand Slam bright orange so I don't get frivolously pulled over again, just in case I forget to put away the AK-47s in my front seat...
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