Peanuts on your Chin

I just read an article suggesting that peanuts should be banned on airplanes. I got two paragraphs in and had to close my Web browser. Stuff like this makes me think that I'm the only rational person left in a universe that has totally gone mad.

Look, I was in elementary and high school on the 1980s, not 30 years ago. I don't remember a single person EVER having an allergic reaction to peanuts. We didn't have segregated lunch tables, or peanut free zones, and not ONE kid dropped dead of a seizure because of it.

There was no ADD back then, either. Or ADHD for that matter. Or anything that would require medicating children. When I was a kid, other kids that behaved that way were punished. Because they were acting up. For attention. Even at the ripe old age of youth I knew that these were kids with problems at home, it was poor parenting, not chemical imbalances. Nothing that couldn't be solved with a little firm parenting, some tough love, some consistency in their home lives.

I hear the argument that psychological illnesses were underdiagnosed until recently, but I'm not buying that entirely either. Especially because it doesn't explain how the human race could have suddenly developed a deathly allergy to a food product that has been consumed for hundreds of years without causing any death.

Yes, some psychological ailments (notice I don't call them illnesses) were misdiagnosed until recently - male depression, for example. But kids weren't dropping dead in droves for no apparent reason before, there's no reason to expect why they would now.

Nuts to that.

Wanted: Flashy Thingy

Being able to remember things is good. For example, remembering that sticking one's dick in mashed potatoes fresh out of the oven hurts really bad is what is supposed to prevent us from doing that particular thing again. Remembering feelings, however, sucks my nutsack. Remembering feelings is what leads us to drop trou and give it another shot, for even though we remember the pain we felt when we did it the first time, we also remember what we felt leading up to the pain - hope leading from the promise of warm, squishy joy.

Keep up with me here for a minute if you can, I'm trying to take this analogy to where I need it to go and it's not exactly working but I'm feeling particularly stubborn this evening.

The memory of hope, this is what we use to convince ourselves that maybe this time it might not be as hot, it won't burn us, it won't hurt as much. We've all done this, maybe not with mashed potatoes, but we've all done it.

Over, and over, and over again.

Of course it hurts again, even more so the second time. Because then we've got some other feelings to remember along with the pain, like embarassment that we were so stupid to try the same thing twice expecting different results. The mark of insanity, some might say. The mark of a mark or of someone who is way too trusting and really wants to believe that something is good, I might say.

What makes things worse is that there are people out there in this cruel, harsh world of ours that so callously encourage others to stick their dicks places that dicks don't belong, giving those people hope that the result will be beautiful and wonderful, all the while knowing that it won't end well, maybe even with blisters and pain. Lots of pain.

Fuck those people.

I don't know if they have had to deal with their own memories and hurt for so long that they just become indifferent to it, or if they are just unfeeling automatons bent on savaging the rest of humanity for their own selfish pleasure, or if they get some sort of vindication from seeing others hurt in the same way that they've been hurt in the past. Maybe it's a bit of all three, or something else entirely. I have no idea, I'm not one of those people. Either way, they prey on those of us who hope, who trust in others to not lead us astray, they are like the pasty-faced hackers in their mother's basements sending out e-mails on behalf of fictitous African princes in order to milk grandmothers of their copay savings.

There are times when I wish that I had one of those flashy thingies from Men In Black so I could erase my own memory when shit goes down that I'd rather not be able to remember. How joyous would life be if we could instantly forget the hurt and embarassment we've endured and only remember the times we spent with mashed potatoes that had been out of the oven long enough to give us joy and happiness without the rest of it?

But then, I suppose, we wouldn't know enough to be more careful where we stick our man bits, and that, after all, is what hurt and embarassment are for. They are warnings from our minds not to be stupid or too impulsive, to test something with the tip of our finger or to let things cool down before ramming more sensitive body parts right into them, just like a sunburn is a reminder to wear sunblock.

Sunblock, waiting for things to cool down, making sure that you can really trust someone before you decide to place your unending faith in them not to burn you where it hurts the most; these are all things that are prudent and wise and we learn as we get older. Unfortunately, they all take away a bit of the magic from those of us who grew up wanting to believe that princesses and fairies existed, chasing butterflies in bright flowery meadows. So we keep forgetting to do them, not learning that maybe we should have spent a bit more effort ahead of time listening to that nagging voice in our head telling us to turn around, to walk away, to zip back up and wait for something a little less harsh to intercourse with.

It's hard to give up hope that magic is real, but test it enough and get the same answer each time and you will inevitably arrive at the forgone conclusion that it is what it is, this is as good as it gets, and there's no princess waiting for you in some magic land with rainbows and unicorns.

Anyway, how can you be sure that you can really trust someone until you give them a chance to deceive you while simultaneously mistrusting them enough to go looking to see for sure whether they're lying or not? Inherent in the definitions of both faith and trust is that they are both untestable, which just seems naive to me. Then again, faith is something I've never been very good at when it comes to religion, and trust is something I'm generally way too eager to engage in when it comes to people. Maybe I should rethink all of that. After all, God can't let you down, He's always beyond reproach even when purging the Earth of entire crops of newborn babies. And people always let you down. Every. Time. And they never seem to have the decency to apologize or explain themselves after the fact, they just laugh and point and tell you how stupid you were for trusting them in the first place, or worse, try to make you feel like you did something wrong.

I sure as shit don't have any answers here, this is a rant blog and I'm just bitching. If you want some absolutes or solutions, go see a priest. Or a prostitute, at least they tell you up front that they are just using you for money and don't actually care at all about you or your stupid feelings. That's a level of honesty you just don't get from anyone else.

The good news is that I can tell you un-equivocally that using food as a sex substitute is fine, as long as there are no ovens or microwaves involved.

More News Rants

The founder of an Islamic television station in upstate New York aimed at countering Muslim stereotypes has confessed to beheading his wife, authorities said.

That's not going to help.

Sometimes a News Article is a Rant all in Itself...

"It is a familiar story for the 31-year-old New York Giants wide receiver. Now facing felony gun charges after he accidentally shot himself in the leg with an .40-caliber Glock at a Manhattan nightclub, Burress has a history of being sued over debts a millionaire professional athlete seemingly could have paid. The Associated Press found that, since Burress joined the NFL in 2000, he has been sued at least nine times by people who said he failed to pay a debt, damaged their car or didn't pay his taxes."

We're All Going to Die

For the past 6 months, I've been working at a job where there is virtually nothing for me to do. I think that in all reality, like in the movie Office Space, I've done about 5 minutes of "real work" a day on average since I started here. Everyone else around me got laid off last week, but they kept me around - presumably because I wowed them with my mad skillz during those daily 5 minute periods. I know, amazing isn't it? The guys that were actually trying got let go, and I've been fucking around and they kept me on - and just offered to extend my contract through the end of the year. Mike Judge is a genius. As soon as the ice melts I'm going to go fishing and gut my catch on my desk wearing flip flops - or knock down my cubicle wall to have a better view.

Anyway, I've now inherited a small project that one of the now-unemployed consultants was working on, and was given 2 weeks to finish it. Happy to have some actual work to do, I hunkered down yesterday afternoon and got started, only to finish half of it by the end of the day. At this rate I'll be done by lunch and will have 8 days to sit around doing nothing. Again. So actually being given something to do hasn't affected my average daily "real work" time allotment much at all.

It gets worse when you reflect back over time. I've spent the past 2+ years getting paid to do things that were ultimately never used by my employers who paid me to build them. Through no fault of my own, I might add. The previous employer was a fuckwadded douche-tart moron who isn't running a business as much as a circle-jerk kiss-ass club of like-minded numb-nutted shitbags, and cut me loose right after I finished building a genre-busting enterprise system for him that could have revolutionized the industry - all because I didn't kiss his ass and stood up for myself and the guys that worked for me. My current employer cancelled the project I spent the past 6 months working 5 minutes a day on because of the economy (see previous post: "Don't Trust Whitey"). I'd be all broken up thinking that I've wasted the last two years of my life doing what amounted to a pile of fuck-all, but that work paid my bills and fueled my life, so it wasn't a complete waste. Unless of course I am a complete waste, which I am starting to increasingly think is entirely possible.

Here's the thing. I'm not the type of person who will have kids of my own, but I've always felt sort of a bond with humanity in general - like the future of mankind is something we're all investing in. So it all seemed worthwhile to a point - if I leave a positive impact on the world (through my work, my writing, my music, or whatever) then I am furthering humankind.

But lately, hearing about all the fucked up things we've done to the planet we live on, I have to wonder if it all matters anymore anyway. Increasing pollution causing melting polar caps contributing to rising sea levels means that possibly even before I die (assuming I live an average length life) some cities like New York, San Francisco, Tampa Bay, and Boston may be partially or completely submerged. Iran put a satellite in orbit yesterday, menaing that they now have the ability to deliver their nuclear weapons thousands of miles away. Pakistan and India, both also nuclear countries, are poking each other with sticks trying to get the other to drop their gloves first, Palestine is threatening to invade Jerusalem which would possibly start World War III, dogs and cats are living together - it's mass hysteria.

So why bother, I say. What if we aren't working towards something better, but we're just supposed to live the time we have on Earth how we want to - doing the things that make us happy, being with the people that make us feel good, and enjoying being here, instead of constantly worrying about what legacy we're leaving for the rest of humanity - made up of millions of people that don't give a shit about me, or you, or your mom.

Fuck your mother, fuck your father, fuck your brother, fuck your sister; fuck them all, I'm going to keep working my 5 minutes a day and try to save up enough energy to enjoy the time I have when I'm not locked in a stuffy box filling out timesheets and TPS reports. I'm going to do the things that I want to do and worry only about how my choices affect the few people that I love.

Humanity can piss off.

I need to find something else to listen to on the way to and from work besides NPR. It will be spring in a few months, and then I'll be listening to the roar of the wind past my helmet during my commute, so I've got that going for me. Now I'm off to search Google Maps for a nice tropical community to someday relocate to that's not too close to the water...

Don't Trust Whitey

It has come to my attention that I (along with hundreds of other people) am being laid off because the company I work for cancelled my project - TO APPEASE INVESTORS. Let me say that another way: in order to get people to keep buying stocks in the company I work for, the top executives have decided to publically cancel the huge project that so many of us were pouring our sweat and blood into for the SOLE REASON that it would show investors that they are concerned about the economy and cutting costs to stay afloat, nevermind that the company desperately needed the project to remain competitive and efficient, this has nothing to do with that.

OK, here's an idea. How about firing the CEO and the entire board of executives? Together they make MORE money each year than the ENTIRE PROJECT I was on cost. A handful of men, who are each rich as fuck, would be out of work - instead of hundreds of hard working lower white collar workers. They could all say "fuck it" and just retire in luxury, but we all have to scamper to find work in order to pay the mortgage.

So far this month, over 200,000 American workers have been cut loose from their jobs. For the exact same reasons I did - to boost investor confidence. Microsoft laid of 5,000 consultants, one of whom sat two rows over from me until he got the e-mail that he was being let go. Does anyone really believe that Microsoft needs to cut 5,000 jobs to stay afloat? No, they don't. They could absorb millions of dollars worth of losses annually and still survive. They are doing just fine, recession or no.

So in a "me first" mentality where the investors and bankers reign supreme, everyone suffers in the end. People who are out of work don't spend money like they used to (or at all). This means that all businesses across the board will sell fewer products. When they sell fewer products, they have to make fewer products. When they make fewer products, they purchase fewer resources. When they purchase fewer resources, fewer resources will be mined / harvested / fabricated. Everyone along the way suffers financially from lower sales and they lay off employees to stay afloat, contributing to the problem exponentially.

It's a long train and everyone's getting it up the ass.

Unemployed people don't pay taxes either, instead they ask for unemployment benefits. 15 states will be insolvent within the next 6 months, mine being one of them. That means that they DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY to pay unemployment benefits, so they have to go to the Federal government for handouts to cover it. The Federal government has already given away, what, 1.6 TRILLION dollars in the past few months - where the hell are they going to get the money?

Oh right - they're borrowing it. From our children's futures. The money itself doesn't actually exist, they are quite literally printing it.

All of this mess started because those same executive-type asshats were playing around with credit, lumping really badly underwritten loans in with really profitable ones so that they could sell them to investors. See, there's that word again: investors. That's right, they are the fucking assrapists that started this whole mess, and here we are, appeasing them by firing people who did nothing but show up to work and do their job.

So again, we're back to the CEOs and donkey-fucking board members of these giant conglomerations who are happily swinging the pink axe of job cuts around - once they get back from their 3 martini lunches or golf meetings.

Here's a fun fact: 90% of the executives of the banks that were the first to reeceive bailout money still have their jobs.

I'm going to repeat that using smaller words in case any of them are reading this, I want to make sure they understand.

Nearly all of the overpaid, cheating, lying, and money-grubbing snakesuckers that run the companies that started this entire financial disaster by lying to and cheating their investors have not been fired for their incompetent self-serving manipulation of the system, which ultimately broke it. THEY. STILL. HAVE. THEIR. JOBS.

And these shitballs make so much money it makes Derek Jeter jealous. Firing ONE of those monkey turds would be the equivalent of laying off 250 REALLY HIGHLY PAID white collar workers, or 500 well paid ones.

But we're sitting here on the chopping block to appease investors. Sounds amazing right?

Not when you stop for a minute and think about who's making the call to cut a company's workforce, again, to make investors happy.

It's the CEO. And the Board of Directors.

Look, I'm no Communist, but this is exactly what's wrong with our model of Capitalism. A small board of douchebags making decisions that clearly only benefit them, and indirectly, I suppose, benefit the company by keeping it in business - with no-one to answer to except these mysterious "investors" that move their money around based on rumor and speculation. Maybe it's because I'm an engineer, but I work with cold, hard facts. There's no room for guesswork in what I do, but these fuckwits base all of their decisions on it.

All of this makes me want to direct a board right at the head of the next uncle-fucker in a suit I see.

Attention

It has come to my attention that either I am a huge asshole, or everyone else in the world is. That is all.

911 is a Joke [Public Enemy]

Hit me
Going going gone
Now I dialed 911 a long time ago
Don't you see how late they're reactin'
They only come and they come when they wanna
So get the morgue embalm the goner
They don't care 'cause they stay paid anyway
They teach ya like an ace they can't be betrayed
I know you stumble with no use people
If your life is on the line they you're dead today
Late comings with the late comin' stretcher
That's a body bag in disguise y'all betcha
I call 'em body snatchers quick they come to fetch ya?
With an autopsy ambulance just to dissect ya
They are the kings 'cause they swing amputation
Lose your arms, your legs to them it's compilation
I can prove it to you watch the rotation
It all adds up to a funky situation
So get up get, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get, get, get down
Late 911 wears the late crown

911 is a joke

Everyday they don't never come correct
You can ask my man right here with the broken neck
He's a witness to the job never bein' done
He would've been in full in 8 9-11
Was a joke 'cause they always jokin'
They the token to your life when it's croakin'
They need to be in a pawn shop on a
911 is a joke we don't want 'em
I call a cab 'cause a cab will come quicker
The doctors huddle up and call a flea flicker
The reason that I say that 'cause they
Flick you off like fleas
They be laughin' at ya while you're crawlin' on your knees
And to the strength so go the length
Thinkin' you are first when you really are tenth
You better wake up and smell the real flavor
Cause 911 is a fake life saver

So get up, get, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get, get, get down
Late 911 wears the late crown