I have two friends, we'll call them Brian and Mark. They live together in Florida (not as a couple, although those would be really stereotypical gay couple names, wouldn't they?), but come from New England. So, they are no strangers to the harsh winter weather we have up here, but I suspect that they've conveniently forgotten just how shitty it feels to live through it.
As I write this, my weather widget says that it's 61 in Florida - 29 here. I would imagine that down there they are bundled up and shivering and complaining about not being able to wear flip flops outside at night anymore, but they aren't suffering from the weather change so much as a lack of perspective. Here it was 29 all day today, even when the sun shone. Combine that with the wind and it felt like it was 374 degrees below zero. That's wind chill, bitches, and I'm not going to explain it to you because it has to be experienced to be understood.
So to remind those of you parked comfortably below the Mason-Dixon line what it's like up here this time of year, I've compiled a list of exactly what is so shitty about winter.
1) It's cold. I know that saying this while complaining about winter may sound redundant, but it's worth mentioning. Again. It's not chilly, nor is it breezy, and there isn't a "hint of freshness in the air". It's fucking freezing cold. It's not even Thanksgiving yet and my boogers froze in my nose during the 3 block walk from my car to the office this morning. That's not natural. Boogers should be soft and squishy and a little bit warm. The inside of my nose should not be an ideal place to mix a cocktail. I'm talking the kind of cold that settles into your bones and doesn't go away all day, no matter how much coffee you drink.
2) There's no sun. Well there is sun, but there might as well not be. First of all, it goes away at 4. This does me no good, since I have to be at work until well after 5. Driving home in the cold and dark sucks, thank you Federal Government and your stinky Daylight Saving plan. When there is sun, it's weak and soft and you can't feel what little warmth it generates on your skin because you're all bundled up away from the harsh cold air. All summer I was rosy and red from riding my motorcycle everywhere and spending every possible moment outdoors, but it's not even December yet and I'm already a sickly pale white color. In fact, I think my skin is starting to turn translucent. I'm beginning to look like a mushroom growing under a toilet seat in northern Siberia. If it keeps up at this rate, by January I'm going resemble one of those glowing fish with the weird lightbulb antennae that live in deep canyons all those miles underwater. Only without the cool lightbulb antennae.
3) Winter fashion sucks. The snow bunny fur hat look is super cool on hot babes, but apart from that it's a process just to get dressed to go out and get the mail. Failure to properly insulate body parts and protect exposed skin results in frostbite and 3-day chills. In the summer I'd pop outside for the mail or a quick jaunt down to the store, but in the winter there's no popping anywhere. No jaunting either, for that matter, whatever that means. In the winter you have to layer up until you feel like the Staypuft Marshmallow Man or risk losing body parts to frostbite. And of course holding a coffee or digging into your pockets for keys with gloves on doesn't work so you have to do the whole "pull your glove off with your teeth and get fuzz all in your mouth" routine. It's goddamn annoying. All of it.
4) Lack of excerise + holiday food and drink = Fatness. It's really hard to work out in the winter, more than half of my workout options disappeared as soon as the thermometer dropped below "too fucking cold to be outside". This means having to go to the gym every day - after dark, rather than hiking or biking or swimming or any of the other wonderful active activities that take up my summer days. And quite frankly, going to the gym when I'm all bundled up and shivering in my car waiting for the heat to kick in is the last thing on my mind, the first thing being getting home and snuggling under a warm blanket with a snow bunny and a shot of something with high alcohol content. And on the days when I do get up enough gumption to go work out, I always regret it as soon as I step back out into the cold and all of the sweat on my back freezes instantly leaving a sheet of thin ice to make the car ride home even more miserable than it would have been otherwise.
5) Snow needs to be shoveled. I'm not going to spend a lot of time bitching about this one because for the first time in 10 years I have a garage to keep my car in, but still, waking up to a winter wonderland means having to shovel something before going to work. I used to have a big fuck-off truck with four wheel drive, which was cool because I could just barrel up the driveway regardless of how much snow fell the night before, but now I drive a shitty little Grand Am which would and will probably get completely buried under 4 inches of slush.
6) Paying for heating oil funds the terrorists. Nuff said. America, FUCK YEAH!
7) Except for snowmobiling, which is more of a drinking game than a sport, winter sports are stupid. The entire point of skiing and snowboarding is to avoid falling into the snow. Being an adult I'm already doing that, so I see no reason to pay $65 per day to do it inbetween rides on a moving chair. Cross country skiing is even dumber, because the thing I hate most about skiing is having to ski-walk to the lift, which as far as I can tell is exactly what cross-country skiing is - only you don't get to sit down after. Ice skating is like rollerblading except it's cold and the liklihood of being cut by a dull metal blade somewhere below the waist is higher, which is a consideration that I regard as "mighty important" when determining whether something is worth doing. The only thing that makes ice skating the least bit intruiging is the possibility that when you add sticks you might have an impromptu game of ice hockey, which is a fun sport but doesn't compare to street hockey for the same reasons that ice skating doesn't hold up to rollerblading. Ice fishing isn't a sport, it's just stupid.
8) People in New England can't drive in the rain, let alone the snow. You'd think they would have figured it out by now, but everytime anything liquid-based comes out of the sky everyone around here immediately crashes into the nearest telephone pole. It's retarded.
There are so many more reasons but I'm starting to depress myself typing these up so I'm going to stop now. Maybe I'll compile a Part II list someday, assuming I don't slit my wrists from Seasonal Affective Disorder (or S.A.D. - psychiatrists are so clever) first.
The bottom line is that we are not Vikings, even those of us descended directly from those pale white northern-European tribes who thought Beowolf was a good story (it wasn't, and shitty CGI graphics and Angelina Jolie's CG naked ass don't make it any more entertaining). Technological advancements mean that our bodies don't have to adapt to cold weather any more. Instead, we wrap them in insulation and wicking materials and blast hot air at them and keep them sheltered and warm. But we're still not technologically advanced enough to heat an entire city or state, so we still have to brave the arctic chill for 4 or 5 months every year.
I'm already looking forward to Groundhog Day; if that little fucker sees his shadow I'm going to beat the snot out of him. And then I'm going to start figuring out how fast I can orchestrate a move to Florida, so I can bask in the sun wear and work on forgetting just how shitty winter in New England actually can be.
