911 is a Joke [Public Enemy]

Hit me
Going going gone
Now I dialed 911 a long time ago
Don't you see how late they're reactin'
They only come and they come when they wanna
So get the morgue embalm the goner
They don't care 'cause they stay paid anyway
They teach ya like an ace they can't be betrayed
I know you stumble with no use people
If your life is on the line they you're dead today
Late comings with the late comin' stretcher
That's a body bag in disguise y'all betcha
I call 'em body snatchers quick they come to fetch ya?
With an autopsy ambulance just to dissect ya
They are the kings 'cause they swing amputation
Lose your arms, your legs to them it's compilation
I can prove it to you watch the rotation
It all adds up to a funky situation
So get up get, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get, get, get down
Late 911 wears the late crown

911 is a joke

Everyday they don't never come correct
You can ask my man right here with the broken neck
He's a witness to the job never bein' done
He would've been in full in 8 9-11
Was a joke 'cause they always jokin'
They the token to your life when it's croakin'
They need to be in a pawn shop on a
911 is a joke we don't want 'em
I call a cab 'cause a cab will come quicker
The doctors huddle up and call a flea flicker
The reason that I say that 'cause they
Flick you off like fleas
They be laughin' at ya while you're crawlin' on your knees
And to the strength so go the length
Thinkin' you are first when you really are tenth
You better wake up and smell the real flavor
Cause 911 is a fake life saver

So get up, get, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get, get, get down
Late 911 wears the late crown

It puts the lotion in the basket

What the hell is it with the new trend in sports announcing, primarily football, to describe everything as if it's happening right now? I had college football on earlier (go Bucs!) and the announcers were describing everything in the current tense, even replays of plays that happened earlier in the game.

"In this replay from the first quarter, if he puts any less loft on that ball it's getting intercepted and run back for a touchdown."

You just said the replay is from the first quarter (and it's a replay, which always means it's from the past), and it's now the third quarter. What you're describing happened in the past, so you're using the wrong tense. Tense is there for a reason. It allows us to infer timing and scope from a sentence without having to explicitly include those facts.

In the future, if these guys don't use proper tense in sports coverage I'm switching the channel.

DRIVE ALREADY!!!!

I have not had to drive in rush hour traffic for over 10 years, and I had forgotten just how maddening it is. What the hell is with these people driving so slowly and timidly? YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY HOME PEOPLE!!!!!! Put the foot down!

Woah, I think I just realized what's going on. When I leave work I want to get home immediately because my entire day so far has been spent living for someone else. I want my "me" time, and commuting is not part of it (despite being on a bike - riding with someone else's exhaust in your face is not riding).

Maybe all these other people dread going home to their families and that's why they drag their feet driving home.

If I had someone I love waiting for me at home, pop tarts in the toaster, I would drive as fast as I could to be with them. I'd break speed limits, I'd pass over solid yellow lines, I'd run yellow lights.

You motherfuckers really need to evaluate your living situations if getting home s quickly as possible after work is not a priority for you.

Corporate Dress Codes

I started a new job today, working for an insurance company in Hartford. I really kind of feel bad ranting at all about this, because it's a really cool and laid-back company - their dress code is business casual most of the week and free-for-all on Fridays. That's awesome.

But still, what's the deal even with business casual? I am SO much more productive when I am comfortable, and I am comfortable only when I am wearing jeans and a t-shirt (or nothing, but I am willing to concede that we have to have SOME rules). Khakis make me want to puke, and not in a good way, and tucking in a button-down shirt (I REFUSE to wear a polo shirt) is retarded - it puffs out around the waist and makes you look like you are bloating.

I will say, however, that my butt looks REALLY NICE in khakis. So I have that going for me.

Is it Friday yet???

Starship Troopers

I am currently watching Starship Troopers. While I am thoroughly enjoying it, mostly because Denise Richards is in it and I could watch a 2-hour film of her shitting on the hood of a Camaro while eating a corndog and singing karaoke and I would applaud it's artistic merit, I can't help but wonder one thing.

In this futuristic society where the human race has pioneered interstellar space travel to the point where they can travel across the Milky Way Galaxy in apparently a few days - and the Milky Way Galaxy is mind-bogglingly big, there is simply no way for the human mind to actually fathom the distance from one end to another - how is it that they have not also improved on the AK-47? Seriously, that's the best weapon we have? Are we going to forget grenades ever existed? Or grenade launchers? Or rockets?

Are we really not going to be able to use this "star drive" technology to also create some sort of weapon that can destroy a giant bug with one shot?

The human race is doomed.

Unless we bulk up on our electrolytes and start selling handjobs at Starbucks, of course...

Corporate Stupidity vs. the Free Man

I was out today on the bike with my dad, taking pictures of a stuffed pig at Connecticut hotspots in order to document its trip through our lovely state. We had a great day, and hit a lot of places, striking up some fine conversations mostly centered around what a big tough guy like me was doing carrying around a stuffed animal.

The last scheduled stop for the day was the home office of a cable TV channel that I will not dignify by naming (any publicity is good, and all that) except to say that its name rhymes with "Lesbian", and it is not nearly as much fun as that to watch. When we got there we pulled into a public side street to look for a place to park the bikes so I could snap a shot of the pig in front of the satellite dishes, and were immediately accosted by a security guard. I asked him where would be a good place to park and he responded with "Why?". I explained to him most good-naturedly, and he cut me off saying, "Nope, not allowed." I looked at him, asked "Seriously?" (I used my sarcastic voice here), and he replied "Company rules, no photography, you'll have to turn around and leave the premises."

First of all, I wasn't on the premises, it was a public road. Secondly, it's a stupid cable network, not the White House. Thirdly, if I hadn't been so tired from my long day, I would have found out exactly what he would have done if I had stood on public property and took pictures from there. What, does he have jurisdiction in the public streets? Does he have jurisdiction over preventing me from putting my boot up his ass? I'd guess "no" on both counts.

If I hadn't been so tired I might have come up with, "Seriously? What are you an airport now?" instead of just "Seriously". And maybe instead of just riding away I might have said something like "Excellent customer service - way to treat a fan. I'll be sure never to tune in again. Asshat."

What really pisses me off is that the entire episode was fucking ridiculous. Ludicrous even. Corporate stupidity at its best. You know what? You want to make stupid corporate rules and hire some dipshit to enforce them, go right ahead. But here I am, a free man, enjoying my summer vacation on public property, and you have the balls to try to leverage your corporate stupidity on me? Fuck off, stupid cable network, fuck right the fuck off.