Men's Room Ettiquette

Gentlemen, let me make one thing unequivocably clear. When I am peeing, I don't want to have a conversation with you. I don't want to say "hi", give you a head nod, discuss the weather or politics or my new shoes, or hear about your day. I most certainly don't want to make eye contact.

There are dividers between urinals for a reason. This isn't a bar and we're not in Europe. Please keep your eyes forward and your mouth closed.

When we're washing hands then minimal conversation is permitted, but even then let's keep it short and simple.

It's not that I'm insecure about my manhood or my sexuality, quite the contrary. I just feel that some things are personal, and taking a piss or dropping a deuce are two that rank very high up on the list. I don't come into your bedroom to chat when you are boning your wife, and I expect you to extend the same courtesy to me when I'm doing my business.

If you want to shoot the shit then hang out in the kitchen. My schedule is as follows: Kitchen for water or coffee - desk - bathroom. Repeat.

Cracker, please.

My last name is Polish. That doesn't make me Polish - in fact not one drop of Polish blood runs through my veins.

Barak Obama's middle name is Hussein. That doesn't make him a Muslim - in fact he's a Christian, born and raised.

This whole "Joe the Plumber" thing is equally ridiculous. If plumbers make more than $250,000 a year then I am in the wrong business. I'd much rather wear jeans and lay pipe all day than dress up and work in an office. Barak Obama wants to lower taxes for EVERYONE who makes less than $200,000 a year. That's everyone I know. McCain wants to lower taxes for the wealthy - and hope that they spend the excess on big ticket items that keep everyone else employed.

That didn't work for Reagan in the 80's, it certainly isn't going to work in a recession. A recession created by 8 years of irresponsible and right-wing fiscal government plans.

How anyone who isn't filthy rich could point at Obama's tax cut plan and say that it's bad is completely beyond me. I need all the help I can get - I'd much rather see a tax cut for myself next year than for the douchebag millionaire I used to work with who fired me because I was smarter than he was. Let him foot the bill to fix the economy - why should I? I didn't break it.

It bothers me when otherwise highly intelligent people lay claim to these (and other) ridiculous statements in an effort to scare people into voting against one or the other of the current political candidates. If you don't think that Barak Obama should become president because you disagree with his policies, then state which ones you disagree with and why. If you think a black man should never be president, then have the nuts to say that's your problem with him. At least you'd be saying things that are true and meaningful and open to discussion.

There's no possible way to respond to hurtful hatemongering and flat out untruths except to walk away and shake your head. Policies and even racism can at least be debated.

While at work: ProTip

Eating raisins and / or prunes as a snack while at the office will likely cause you to be more productive - and not in a way that your boss will appreciate. Especially if he happens to be in the stall next to you.

I'm working, you asshat.

I spent the entire day in my cubicle today, which is actually rare - usually we work in a more collaborative environment here at The Grind (they call it "hotelling", but I call it "hunting for a new place to sit each morning and always carrying your stuff around with you every where you go"). Maybe I was just in a snarky mood, but everyone around me was pissing me right the fuck off all day. Here are a list of my grievances:

• I really do appreciate that you are listening to Cheney Kesney on your headphones, presumably you realize that nobody else wants to hear that shit. But when you turn it up so loud that I can hear it reverberating around your empty head and tap your foot along to the beat loudly, it kind of defeats the purpose of using the headphones in the first place, doesn't it? You may as well strap me down and drip water drop by drop on my forehead until I go crazy and start hallucinating little green men crawling up my arm. A few more days of this and I may just show your earbuds up your nose and strangle you with the cord.Or maybe I'll crank Snoop Dee Oh Double-Gizzle on my computer. Nobody ever thought twice about confronting a country music fan because his music is too loud, but Snoop on the other hand...


• LEARN HOW TO CHANGE YOUR RINGTONE FROM THE DEFAULT "CINGULAR" TONE OR "HELLO FUCKING MOTO" to something that doesn't make me want to throw my desk chair through the window and dive after it. I know 10 year olds that are more technically saavy with regards to coffee makers than you are with regards to your cell phone, which presumably you can't live without since it rings constantly all day - EVEN WHEN YOU ARE IN A MEETING AND LEFT IT ON YOUR DESK. Nobody should have to hear your damn ringtone, no matter what it is, ever, but at least PUT IT ON VIBRATE WHEN YOU ARE AT WORK WITH THE BIG BOYS.


• I get that you are on your feet all day delivering memos and mail and whatnot, and I would imagine that your piggies get a little sore after marching all over the building all day. But first of all, Crocks are not dress casual, they are JUST PLAIN casual. They don't belong in a work environment, even on dress-down Fridays. But more importantly, if your Crocks squeak with every step, have some humility and please make every effort to get run over by a cement mixer on your way to your car tonight after work. You squeaking with every step when your job is to walk around the entire office all day is like me saying every word I type out loud as I type it.


• If you are going to eat chips or anything that crunches louder than oatmeal, DO IT IN THE KITCHEN or learn to eat with your lips sealed. Seriously, that's as disgusting to me as watching a fat lady change her tampon.

911 is a Joke [Public Enemy]

Hit me
Going going gone
Now I dialed 911 a long time ago
Don't you see how late they're reactin'
They only come and they come when they wanna
So get the morgue embalm the goner
They don't care 'cause they stay paid anyway
They teach ya like an ace they can't be betrayed
I know you stumble with no use people
If your life is on the line they you're dead today
Late comings with the late comin' stretcher
That's a body bag in disguise y'all betcha
I call 'em body snatchers quick they come to fetch ya?
With an autopsy ambulance just to dissect ya
They are the kings 'cause they swing amputation
Lose your arms, your legs to them it's compilation
I can prove it to you watch the rotation
It all adds up to a funky situation
So get up get, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get, get, get down
Late 911 wears the late crown

911 is a joke

Everyday they don't never come correct
You can ask my man right here with the broken neck
He's a witness to the job never bein' done
He would've been in full in 8 9-11
Was a joke 'cause they always jokin'
They the token to your life when it's croakin'
They need to be in a pawn shop on a
911 is a joke we don't want 'em
I call a cab 'cause a cab will come quicker
The doctors huddle up and call a flea flicker
The reason that I say that 'cause they
Flick you off like fleas
They be laughin' at ya while you're crawlin' on your knees
And to the strength so go the length
Thinkin' you are first when you really are tenth
You better wake up and smell the real flavor
Cause 911 is a fake life saver

So get up, get, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get, get, get down
Late 911 wears the late crown

It puts the lotion in the basket

What the hell is it with the new trend in sports announcing, primarily football, to describe everything as if it's happening right now? I had college football on earlier (go Bucs!) and the announcers were describing everything in the current tense, even replays of plays that happened earlier in the game.

"In this replay from the first quarter, if he puts any less loft on that ball it's getting intercepted and run back for a touchdown."

You just said the replay is from the first quarter (and it's a replay, which always means it's from the past), and it's now the third quarter. What you're describing happened in the past, so you're using the wrong tense. Tense is there for a reason. It allows us to infer timing and scope from a sentence without having to explicitly include those facts.

In the future, if these guys don't use proper tense in sports coverage I'm switching the channel.