I'm working, you asshat.

I spent the entire day in my cubicle today, which is actually rare - usually we work in a more collaborative environment here at The Grind (they call it "hotelling", but I call it "hunting for a new place to sit each morning and always carrying your stuff around with you every where you go"). Maybe I was just in a snarky mood, but everyone around me was pissing me right the fuck off all day. Here are a list of my grievances:

• I really do appreciate that you are listening to Cheney Kesney on your headphones, presumably you realize that nobody else wants to hear that shit. But when you turn it up so loud that I can hear it reverberating around your empty head and tap your foot along to the beat loudly, it kind of defeats the purpose of using the headphones in the first place, doesn't it? You may as well strap me down and drip water drop by drop on my forehead until I go crazy and start hallucinating little green men crawling up my arm. A few more days of this and I may just show your earbuds up your nose and strangle you with the cord.Or maybe I'll crank Snoop Dee Oh Double-Gizzle on my computer. Nobody ever thought twice about confronting a country music fan because his music is too loud, but Snoop on the other hand...


• LEARN HOW TO CHANGE YOUR RINGTONE FROM THE DEFAULT "CINGULAR" TONE OR "HELLO FUCKING MOTO" to something that doesn't make me want to throw my desk chair through the window and dive after it. I know 10 year olds that are more technically saavy with regards to coffee makers than you are with regards to your cell phone, which presumably you can't live without since it rings constantly all day - EVEN WHEN YOU ARE IN A MEETING AND LEFT IT ON YOUR DESK. Nobody should have to hear your damn ringtone, no matter what it is, ever, but at least PUT IT ON VIBRATE WHEN YOU ARE AT WORK WITH THE BIG BOYS.


• I get that you are on your feet all day delivering memos and mail and whatnot, and I would imagine that your piggies get a little sore after marching all over the building all day. But first of all, Crocks are not dress casual, they are JUST PLAIN casual. They don't belong in a work environment, even on dress-down Fridays. But more importantly, if your Crocks squeak with every step, have some humility and please make every effort to get run over by a cement mixer on your way to your car tonight after work. You squeaking with every step when your job is to walk around the entire office all day is like me saying every word I type out loud as I type it.


• If you are going to eat chips or anything that crunches louder than oatmeal, DO IT IN THE KITCHEN or learn to eat with your lips sealed. Seriously, that's as disgusting to me as watching a fat lady change her tampon.

911 is a Joke [Public Enemy]

Hit me
Going going gone
Now I dialed 911 a long time ago
Don't you see how late they're reactin'
They only come and they come when they wanna
So get the morgue embalm the goner
They don't care 'cause they stay paid anyway
They teach ya like an ace they can't be betrayed
I know you stumble with no use people
If your life is on the line they you're dead today
Late comings with the late comin' stretcher
That's a body bag in disguise y'all betcha
I call 'em body snatchers quick they come to fetch ya?
With an autopsy ambulance just to dissect ya
They are the kings 'cause they swing amputation
Lose your arms, your legs to them it's compilation
I can prove it to you watch the rotation
It all adds up to a funky situation
So get up get, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get, get, get down
Late 911 wears the late crown

911 is a joke

Everyday they don't never come correct
You can ask my man right here with the broken neck
He's a witness to the job never bein' done
He would've been in full in 8 9-11
Was a joke 'cause they always jokin'
They the token to your life when it's croakin'
They need to be in a pawn shop on a
911 is a joke we don't want 'em
I call a cab 'cause a cab will come quicker
The doctors huddle up and call a flea flicker
The reason that I say that 'cause they
Flick you off like fleas
They be laughin' at ya while you're crawlin' on your knees
And to the strength so go the length
Thinkin' you are first when you really are tenth
You better wake up and smell the real flavor
Cause 911 is a fake life saver

So get up, get, get get down
911 is a joke in yo town
Get up, get, get, get down
Late 911 wears the late crown

It puts the lotion in the basket

What the hell is it with the new trend in sports announcing, primarily football, to describe everything as if it's happening right now? I had college football on earlier (go Bucs!) and the announcers were describing everything in the current tense, even replays of plays that happened earlier in the game.

"In this replay from the first quarter, if he puts any less loft on that ball it's getting intercepted and run back for a touchdown."

You just said the replay is from the first quarter (and it's a replay, which always means it's from the past), and it's now the third quarter. What you're describing happened in the past, so you're using the wrong tense. Tense is there for a reason. It allows us to infer timing and scope from a sentence without having to explicitly include those facts.

In the future, if these guys don't use proper tense in sports coverage I'm switching the channel.

DRIVE ALREADY!!!!

I have not had to drive in rush hour traffic for over 10 years, and I had forgotten just how maddening it is. What the hell is with these people driving so slowly and timidly? YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY HOME PEOPLE!!!!!! Put the foot down!

Woah, I think I just realized what's going on. When I leave work I want to get home immediately because my entire day so far has been spent living for someone else. I want my "me" time, and commuting is not part of it (despite being on a bike - riding with someone else's exhaust in your face is not riding).

Maybe all these other people dread going home to their families and that's why they drag their feet driving home.

If I had someone I love waiting for me at home, pop tarts in the toaster, I would drive as fast as I could to be with them. I'd break speed limits, I'd pass over solid yellow lines, I'd run yellow lights.

You motherfuckers really need to evaluate your living situations if getting home s quickly as possible after work is not a priority for you.

Corporate Dress Codes

I started a new job today, working for an insurance company in Hartford. I really kind of feel bad ranting at all about this, because it's a really cool and laid-back company - their dress code is business casual most of the week and free-for-all on Fridays. That's awesome.

But still, what's the deal even with business casual? I am SO much more productive when I am comfortable, and I am comfortable only when I am wearing jeans and a t-shirt (or nothing, but I am willing to concede that we have to have SOME rules). Khakis make me want to puke, and not in a good way, and tucking in a button-down shirt (I REFUSE to wear a polo shirt) is retarded - it puffs out around the waist and makes you look like you are bloating.

I will say, however, that my butt looks REALLY NICE in khakis. So I have that going for me.

Is it Friday yet???

Starship Troopers

I am currently watching Starship Troopers. While I am thoroughly enjoying it, mostly because Denise Richards is in it and I could watch a 2-hour film of her shitting on the hood of a Camaro while eating a corndog and singing karaoke and I would applaud it's artistic merit, I can't help but wonder one thing.

In this futuristic society where the human race has pioneered interstellar space travel to the point where they can travel across the Milky Way Galaxy in apparently a few days - and the Milky Way Galaxy is mind-bogglingly big, there is simply no way for the human mind to actually fathom the distance from one end to another - how is it that they have not also improved on the AK-47? Seriously, that's the best weapon we have? Are we going to forget grenades ever existed? Or grenade launchers? Or rockets?

Are we really not going to be able to use this "star drive" technology to also create some sort of weapon that can destroy a giant bug with one shot?

The human race is doomed.

Unless we bulk up on our electrolytes and start selling handjobs at Starbucks, of course...