The newly-elected President has been busy filling top cabinet positions the past few weeks, and reading about this in the news got me to thinking that there should be a new post created to go along with them: Traffic Czar. Obviously I nominate myself for the position. If confirmed, I would institute the following Federal regulations regarding driving on the roads of this fine country:
1) Speed limits will be renamed to Speed Guidelines, and enforced as follows:
- A new driver's license endorsement will be issued to qualified drivers based on their driving abilities and the capabilities of the vehicles that they are driving. Drivers that can prove in a driving test that they can control their vehicle at high speeds and what for other drivers might be considered unsafe conditions would be given "Limit Free" licenses, allowing them to drive at any speed they desired on any road. Having a single speed limit for all drivers regardless of ability is like levelling a fixed tax amount on everyone regardless of their income. Blue hairs and soccer moms that can't handle speed don't drive the speed limit anyway, so why should I be restricted as long as I can handle my vehicle and it is built for performance? Carriers of "Limit Free" licenses would not be given tickets for exceeding posted speed guidelines, although they are still subject to being stopped and audited to ensure that they are following all other requirements of the law. This endorsement will be null and void in inclement weather conditions.
- Failure to pull over and let faster drivers pass would result in a fine. People who drive slowly shouldn't have to drive faster just because I want to, but I shouldn't have to drive 25 miles an hour. Ever. If you drive like my mom then clearly you aren't all that interested in getting to your destination in a timely manner, so pulling over for 3 seconds to let me go about my business isn't going to hold you back in any significant way.
2) Anyone with a DVD player or giant GPS screen mounted on their dashboard will be required to mount a screen blocker in their back window so that anyone following them at night won't end up transfixed on the bright and sparkly colors shining from the middle of an otherwise darkened vehicle. It's downright dangerous to distract attention from brake lights, and the brightness of these screens affects depth perception when judging distance. And what the hell are you doing in there anyway, it's a car, not a goddamn living room.
3) A new driver's license endorsement will be issued to qualified drivers who can prove in a driving test that they can a) successfully merge onto a highway, b) consistenly navigate at highway speeds, and c) are aware enough to facilitate merging traffic when travelling in the right lane of a highway. This one is for you, stupid silver SUV that honked at me because I dared try to merge in front of them in the highway this morning on my way to work. Without such an endorsement, drivers will not be allowed on the country's highways.
4) Minimum speed limits will be posted and enforced on highway entrance ramps. Douchebags trying to merge onto highway traffic while travelling 40 MPH will be pulled over and summarily shot. Or fined, I guess, depending on the popularity of this particular law.
5) All traffic laws will be lifted in rush hour conditions. Cops that pull over people in heavy traffic thereby creating aggravated rubbernecking siituations are part of the problem, not the solution.
6) Rubberneckers will have their licenses revoked. Rent "Faces of Death" if you want to see carnage, otherwise keep driving with your eyes on the road, asshole.
7) Motorcycles and scooters will be absolved of all parking regulations and fees. All parking garages will be required to admit cycles and will be forced to charge no more than half the cost of parking a car, since cycles take up half the space. Take that, Hartford Parking Authority.
8) Seatbelt and cell phone laws will all be revoked, re: Darwin.
