Entitlement. I don't have it. Actually, that's not true. I do feel that if I've earned something I am entitled to it, but I don't feel I'm entitled to something special "just because", like some people. And I sure don't expect every day to be wonderful and beautiful and unique - those times are rare, and that's what makes them special.
I was looking through some pictures from last summer's birthday party that B sent to me, and great memories flooded back (interrupted by blackouts caused by the vodka and red bulls that M had kept plying me with). It was one of the best times I've had in my life. It wasn't all that special in general, depending on how you look at it; I didn't see a marching band, or have anyone buy me flowers, or get lucky. In fact, what made it special to me had nothing to do with the reason we were out celebrating that night: recognition that I, personally, was alive.
It was of the best times I've had, and what made it special to me was that whatever the reason, I was out with people that were happy to be spending time with me (and each other) and who didn't want anything in particular from me except to enjoy their company. I've had plenty of days that I thought rated up there, but in retrospect were empty and shallow - specifically because those things weren't in them (even thought I may have thought they were at the time).
Today was nothing special, really, if you only value what other people can do for you. Actually, that's not even true. My boss, who I respect quite a lot, thanked me for doing my job well, which is something I've not heard much before. My co-workers did their job especially well, partly, I'd like to think, because they didn't want to let me down (see previous rant about lack of loyalty in our time, and redact it please). Other co-workers stood up in the face of adversity for no other reason than the fact that they believe in me and trust that what I have to say is accurate, and they didn't have to do that.
So I could end the day looking back and bemoaning the fact that I did nothing else but work and watch a few TV shows before crashing in bed, but instead I choose to reflect on the day and note my accomplishments, the accomplishments of others who were inspired by my honesty and openness, and realize that even though at the end of the day I didn't have time to see a parade, or have sex, or have anyone buy me flowers, I had a beautiful and wonderful and special day.
And I've been having a lot of those lately, with many more to come. These are the days that are obviously special, like the ones to be spent in a hedonistic near-tropical paradise with my closest friend, and the days whose specialness aren't as obvious, like today.
Mazel Tov, special day, I appreciate you as much as you appreciate me.
