I'm working, you asshat.

I spent the entire day in my cubicle today, which is actually rare - usually we work in a more collaborative environment here at The Grind (they call it "hotelling", but I call it "hunting for a new place to sit each morning and always carrying your stuff around with you every where you go"). Maybe I was just in a snarky mood, but everyone around me was pissing me right the fuck off all day. Here are a list of my grievances:

• I really do appreciate that you are listening to Cheney Kesney on your headphones, presumably you realize that nobody else wants to hear that shit. But when you turn it up so loud that I can hear it reverberating around your empty head and tap your foot along to the beat loudly, it kind of defeats the purpose of using the headphones in the first place, doesn't it? You may as well strap me down and drip water drop by drop on my forehead until I go crazy and start hallucinating little green men crawling up my arm. A few more days of this and I may just show your earbuds up your nose and strangle you with the cord.Or maybe I'll crank Snoop Dee Oh Double-Gizzle on my computer. Nobody ever thought twice about confronting a country music fan because his music is too loud, but Snoop on the other hand...


• LEARN HOW TO CHANGE YOUR RINGTONE FROM THE DEFAULT "CINGULAR" TONE OR "HELLO FUCKING MOTO" to something that doesn't make me want to throw my desk chair through the window and dive after it. I know 10 year olds that are more technically saavy with regards to coffee makers than you are with regards to your cell phone, which presumably you can't live without since it rings constantly all day - EVEN WHEN YOU ARE IN A MEETING AND LEFT IT ON YOUR DESK. Nobody should have to hear your damn ringtone, no matter what it is, ever, but at least PUT IT ON VIBRATE WHEN YOU ARE AT WORK WITH THE BIG BOYS.


• I get that you are on your feet all day delivering memos and mail and whatnot, and I would imagine that your piggies get a little sore after marching all over the building all day. But first of all, Crocks are not dress casual, they are JUST PLAIN casual. They don't belong in a work environment, even on dress-down Fridays. But more importantly, if your Crocks squeak with every step, have some humility and please make every effort to get run over by a cement mixer on your way to your car tonight after work. You squeaking with every step when your job is to walk around the entire office all day is like me saying every word I type out loud as I type it.


• If you are going to eat chips or anything that crunches louder than oatmeal, DO IT IN THE KITCHEN or learn to eat with your lips sealed. Seriously, that's as disgusting to me as watching a fat lady change her tampon.