We are facing a New Year in the face as if we are looking down the barrel of a loaded gun. It carries with it the bullet of Hope. Of Promise. Of Life.
But what if you've already felt all the hope you have left? What if you've endured all the promise that life has to offer and watched it walk away and never look back? What if each time this happens you lose a little more of yourself, of your lifeblood, until there is nothing left to give?
I've heard it said that it can only get better, because it can't possibly get worse. But the truth is that it CAN get worse. Much worse. And you've always seen better. Not in reality, but in hopes and dreams, always just there within your reach but impossibly slippery. Unable to be grasped.
Promise leads to Hope.
Hope leads to Disappointment.
Disappointment leads to Depression.
We bank all of our emotional money in our dreams, our hopes, our desires, and eventually always watch it all fade away into the past, recession leading to depression. We spend so much effort earning the currency that builds up our portfolio of love, life, friendship, and then for no reason known to us it pops and slips away faster than we can ever imagine. The balloon expands so rapidly, fueled by the breath of our effort, until it inevitably bursts in our face, causing pain and embarassment, leaving us red faced with nothing in front of us but the chance at a new beginning.
The opportunity to do it all over again.
But doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results each time is the mark of insanty.
Or so I'm told.
So we have no choice but to come to the realization that we need to do it differently. Save your money this time instead of investing in real estate you can't afford, racking up credit you can't pay off, making purchases of material things you don't need but think you want.
But what if you've just been doing what you think is right all this time? What if you've just been being yourself, living life how you expect it to be lived and falling short, investing in the stocks you believe are worthwhile only to find out they are not what you thought they were?
Then what? How do you change your behavior without compromising who you really are?
Maybe we have no choice but to keep doing the same thing over and over again, riding the crest of prosperity to the inevitable dearth of wealth that follows until we are finally kicked out of the stock market of life. Maybe that's what it is all about - living life the only way each of us knows how, even if we know in our hearts that our way isn't the way that works, but it's the only way we know how to live.
Life isn't riding one wave from start to finish, but it's also filled with waiting for the next wave, having faith that it will come, and when it does it will be even bigger and brighter than the last one.
And maybe that next wave never comes. Or maybe when it does we don't have the energy to paddle out to it this time.
Which is better? Which is smarter? Riding each wave, hoping it's the last one that will carry you all the way to shore without letting you crash down into the surf unmercilessly, or finally walking away from it all and realizing that this is as good as it gets? Coming to the understanding that life inbetween waves is worth nothing, it's just waiting for the next one to come along. And when that one comes and eventually crashes, you ask yourself - what was it all for?
Coming around the corner into the year 2010 I look back at the past 10 years and think of everything I've had, seeing only those things that I've lost. Families. Friends. Love. All lost. All gone, dropping from the financial spreadsheets of life, each column turning red from black.
And in the end I'm left with lots of things, but they are things I always wanted but never really needed.
Over the past 10 years I've lived life the only way I know how. And I've seen friends come, go, and come back. I've seen love come and then fade or blow up in my face like a lit bomb dropped in my lap by someone who ran away laughing and screaming. I've learned that nobody can be trusted, that love isn't worth anything if it's just felt by just one person, that even those closest to you will turn their backs when you need them the most.
Pessimistic? Sure. But also realistic.
And that's the way it goes. But it also goes the other way, too.
Or so I'm told.
